No, I’m not dead. Yes, I’ve been absence…not so much just from the blog world, but pretty much in reality too I must say. Not exactly something I am proud off….I’ve always been a sucker in keeping in touch anyways.
I was looking through my old stuff recently; some albums included and realized – Good heavens! I’ve graduated more than 2 years ago! It kinda got me thinking, what the fuck have I been doing for the past 2 years? What have I achieved? Some friends came and go, some continued with their studies, some got married, or is getting married, some started their lives abroad, some are around, but too busy coping with their own personal life…..and then there is me. I’m left behind. The girl who used to enjoy life, the one where everyone thought lived the fullest. What a disguise! I guess it’s not so much LEFT behind I guess, just forgotten perhaps.
Yes, I used to love life – use to love people around me. I must say, I had a pretty awesome life! Went to places, met some people -some important, some not- I had a boyfriend, I work out, I had proper colleagues (the ones that don’t leave after 2 months at least), I had friends and family to hang out and share with…. Doing things any other yuppies would be doing!
But somewhere along the way in that 2 years, I lost it. I lost that spirit, the one that keeps me going. In that period, I’ve also learnt that to be good in one’s field, you have to be ugly and competitive, even if you have to do things that go against your values. The past 6 months in my new job had turned me into somebody I really hate to be. Do I like what I do? Hell yes! Do I want to stay and let time turn me into a monster? HELL NO….
I thought I knew what I want, but I don’t.
Truth is, we all need something to live by, something to look forward to. I don't. It's like we're living in borrowed heaven. A place in which only our spirit exist and live, a place that can never be anyone's or anywhere...... My spirit died, my loan on borrowed heaven is overdue, I had to return my heaven.
